911 was magic - http://tinyurl.com/alkrom
I just want to give the world a big hug, but then, Ethan Hawke is somewhere out there. *squint*
I just forgot to put grounds in the coffee maker. Twice. I think this highlights the central paradox of making coffee in the morning.
oh, Governor Jindal … pssst … you’re Pfizer label is sho- yeah, right there … here, let me get that for you …
Me: “I call that sexual blackmail.” Wife: “That’s an easy mistake to make. It’s actually called Checkmate.”
Hi, I’m here to audition for the part of Pussy EMT? #24Sucks
Dear Bono, I’ve decided that your music is wholly incompatible with my core message. Sincerely, Rock ‘n’ Roll.
Me: I’m not your butler. Wife: not even my sexy butler? Me: well, maybe your se- Wife: Hows my breakfast coming along?
holy crap, i think @franktheguy just followed me on accident. quick: is he the internet or the famous? I CAN’T LOSE THIS ONE.
I had a dream about getting an 18th follower and woke up aroused.
whether you understand why I yelled “WILDCARD!” or not, shoving my wife off the bed at 5 am is funny regardless. see? twitter gets it.
Finally someone steps up and makes it one-click simple for little girls to take and send pictures over the internet. Microsoft FTW.
Why won’t someone give Tracy Ullman a show already?
this splash of vanilla is gonna take my homemade peanut butter into gold game status. #mymanlysunday
The only decoder you need for my tweets: s/.*/”VALIDATE ME!”/g
my wife just found out that i both watched and enjoyed Angel in the space of one ill-advised sentence. fail.
going out to the lake tonight to make some sexy mistakes with my cartoonishly blonde girlfriend and our equally stupid friends - psyched!
http://twitpic.com/1gvxg - if he had spent 5 seconds longer proofing that copy i might be inclined to agree.
I can’t help but feel, as I sit in front of my computer all day, like buying the “Sport” scented deodorant was tantamount to lying.
You know who else used to airdrum with no regard for his surroundings? Hitler. Yeah.
agnostic, 20 years younger, not addicted to meth: if you were any two of these I’d really be into you.
I wonder if Transformers 2 will elevate the franchise to Star Wars Prequels level for offensive racial stereotypes.
I am become hunger.
You know what? I forgive everyone but you.
can i get my stimulus slow, soft and with a clockwise swirl?
I barked back at my dog and he looked at me like *I* was the asshole … pwned.
woot.com 10pm: “stormbreakerster sighs Radiohead’s been my favorite band for three years. This woot is a dream come true.” Also: HA. HA. HA.
No bed will ever be as comfortable as a Luck Dragon. I live with that EVERY DAY.
I’m not convinced this whole twitter proposal isn’t a pepsi commercial.
if someone buys 50 of these and adds “Deus” on top, I’ll buy 2 - http://www.p4cm.com/p4cm/store/launch
I've always wanted to manage the cell phone I...
What genius pitched remote management of your phone? “Skybox 2.0, which is apparently on the same timeline as Windows 7, is where it gets interesting: Totally remote management of your phone, or “from the cloud,” if you want to put like that. Micro-management even—you can change your apps, pictures, music, even your ringtones and background, all entirely remotely. At that point,...
biggest loser night makes my twitter feed come alive with pleasure. i *heart* america?
Until they bottle sexual competence: Merlot.
Thank you Denny’s for updating our dignity valuation in this, a new century.
Twitter is AOL circa 1994.
When did twitter become so reliable that everybody worries about it being unreliable?
http://twitpic.com/1b3zr - Not the most subtle message you can send your Dad.
all day long, i’m thinking about punching a koala. in the face. i won’t eat it, cuz i’m vegan. but i’ll punch it. in the face.
I napped twice today. Yeah. My Kung Fu is *that* good.
My wife really loves it when: I answer a question with “What? … [repeat the entire question back to her]?”
http://www.katu.com/news/38778147.html what song was pro listening to?
I’d just like to thank HDTV for bringing me a completely whelming struggle between two opponents about which I could care less.
superbowl confesh: i’ve been too cool for the superbowl since 1990. You know what, you have too. Deal with that.
Hang on ...
Maybe it isn’t super-smart to establish a pattern of sending pilots who ditch their craft to the superbowl. Is this just me?
superbowl confesh: i want Arizona to lose because SUCK IT MCCAIN
Shirley Manson *and* the weird rocker from the milk commercials? Sarah Conner Chronicles FTW.