911 was magic - http://tinyurl.com/alkrom
I just want to give the world a big hug, but then, Ethan Hawke is somewhere out there. *squint*
I just forgot to put grounds in the coffee maker. Twice. I think this highlights the central paradox of making coffee in the morning.
oh, Governor Jindal … pssst … you’re Pfizer label is sho- yeah, right there … here, let me get that for you …
Me: “I call that sexual blackmail.” Wife: “That’s an easy mistake to make. It’s actually called Checkmate.”
Hi, I’m here to audition for the part of Pussy EMT? #24Sucks
Dear Bono, I’ve decided that your music is wholly incompatible with my core message. Sincerely, Rock ‘n’ Roll.
Me: I’m not your butler. Wife: not even my sexy butler? Me: well, maybe your se- Wife: Hows my breakfast coming along?
holy crap, i think @franktheguy just followed me on accident. quick: is he the internet or the famous? I CAN’T LOSE THIS ONE.
I had a dream about getting an 18th follower and woke up aroused.
whether you understand why I yelled “WILDCARD!” or not, shoving my wife off the bed at 5 am is funny regardless. see? twitter gets it.
Finally someone steps up and makes it one-click simple for little girls to take and send pictures over the internet. Microsoft FTW.
Why won’t someone give Tracy Ullman a show already?
this splash of vanilla is gonna take my homemade peanut butter into gold game status. #mymanlysunday
The only decoder you need for my tweets: s/.*/”VALIDATE ME!”/g
my wife just found out that i both watched and enjoyed Angel in the space of one ill-advised sentence. fail.
going out to the lake tonight to make some sexy mistakes with my cartoonishly blonde girlfriend and our equally stupid friends - psyched!
http://twitpic.com/1gvxg - if he had spent 5 seconds longer proofing that copy i might be inclined to agree.
I can’t help but feel, as I sit in front of my computer all day, like buying the “Sport” scented deodorant was tantamount to lying.
You know who else used to airdrum with no regard for his surroundings? Hitler. Yeah.